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Escaping Suicide

Escaping suicide

Waking up, there was a thickness that could not be escaped. Moment by moment, each breath was so painful. Full of confusion, despair and disappointment, each second seemed inescapable and hard. Drifting deep into the sheets, there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. The heaviness consumed the day and brought tears streaming down her face.

Why me, she thought…why do I have to live this life full of trial and pain? The very thing that brought identity, acceptance and purpose now drifts far away like the seas tide, taking with it her hope. In the dark hours, she contemplated the very life she was living. Feeling so lost in the emotions of it, she could see no end to the pain ahead. If this was the best life had, she no longer wanted to live it.

So often in the hardships we face, we too can find ourselves in this place. The dark abyss that often brings little hope. Those times where every breath we breathe hurts and we find little strength to keep going. It could be in a moment of awful news, loss of a loved one, the pain of divorce or a break up. It could be in the moment of confusion or loneliness. When that financial crisis comes at the worst time. It might be in the shape of a backstabbing word that cuts the soul. No matter what your moment was, we can all agree that this life can be extremely difficult. So what do we do in the dark hour? How do we find light in the dark tunnel and the strength to move forward?

As I met with a close friend the other day, she shared with me the darkness she had been facing. She told me she didn’t want to live any longer. She shared that this life had become too painful, and she could no longer take it. While she shared with me, it brought me back to a painful time in my own life. A time where I really didn’t feel there was a hope to keep living! A time where I felt as she did, that life handed me a bad hand and I felt like there was no point in living any longer. While she wept bitterly in my arms, I felt the Lord place it on my heart to share about the day I escaped my own suicide.

Right out of high school, I had what I thought would be my future all mapped out. I was to play water polo in college, study sports medicine and, like anyone, start living my life. Two weeks before I was to start college, I went to a beach house with some close friends for one last hurrah that summer. As I was walking down to the water to surf, I felt care free, not a worry in the world. The waves were good, the sun was shining it was truly a beautiful day!

As I went to duck dive under a wave, I was tossed backwards and landed on the back of my head on the bottom of the ocean. Immediately my face went numb and I thought I had broken my jaw. As I made my way back to the house in the hot sand, I had to keep putting my board down and stand on it for a few seconds to relieve my feet from the heat, then pick up the board and continue walking. I am not sure what happened by the time I got to the house, but the next thing I remember is being in the ambulance, headed to the hospital.

When I arrived, I remember being in a panic, not over any injury I might have incurred but over the fact that I did not want them to cut off my new rash guard (I was successful at saving it). I was taken into the x-ray room and waited for the doctors. The diagnosis at that time was that I had a sprained neck and was told I needed to take it easy. My neck felt really bad; kind of like a bobble head. That night I sat up all night in a chair, with the worst pain I had ever known. The next morning I was in a daze. My friends took me home, where I sat stiff at the end of my bed, waiting for my mom to come home from work.

The moment she walked in, our eyes locked and like any mom, she saw something was very wrong. She rushed me to another hospital, where I was called a miracle and told that I had a broken neck and back. It was so bad, they had no clue as to how I walked in there and told my mom that going that long with my neck broken the way I was, I should have been paralyzed. All I can remember in that moment was crying. Crying for so many reasons, but mostly because I knew this meant I would not be playing water polo.

The first few weeks seemed okay. I had everyone I knew coming to see me. That soon changed, as all my friends went off to school. One of the hardest moments was when my new water polo coach called me to go over the upcoming schedule and I had to tell her I would no longer be on the team due my accident. After that call, I was so sad. The days grew longer and when you are down and out, I believe you start to feel even more sorry for yourself. My life had never been easy; through the years I had to over come numerous obstacles life handed me. Abuse from my father, the pain of a broken home, and numerous surgeries from numerous illnesses I faced. As I replayed all these memories in my heard, I grew into a deep depression.

I remember one day telling the Lord, “If this is the best you have for me and my life, I am over living it.” I was at a place where I just saw no end in sight. I really was ready to just give up! I remember seeing a Bible on the nightstand next to me (by no mistake from my praying Mom, who I am sure, left it there). I grabbed it almost in one last attempt to hear something. I said, “God, if you are real and are here, I need you to speak to me, if not, I’m done.” I opened the Bible up, I had no clue to where. I just opened it and saw one verse in red writing. It seemed almost to jump out at me. It was 2 Cor.12:9, And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

That verse definitely spoke to me. As I read on, I found myself captivated by the next words. Paul went on to talk about that because God’s great grace was so sufficient, he would boast in all the trials of life, knowing that in his weakness, God was working in him strength. I felt like the Lord allowed me to come to this place of brokenness so I, like Paul, would see that God was with me always. I felt like the Lord said, “Sarah, if you give Me your life, I will bring purpose to all your pain. I will use it to bless others and to show Myself faithful to you. That day was a life changing day for me. It was in those words of comfort, I found a reason to live. I really believe I was forever different after that moment. I no longer lived in light of the trials, hardships and pain but in light of the cross.

Suicide is a very heavy topic and I deal with it all the time in the ministry I have. You see, if we are only looking at the dark hours we are in, there can be little hope ahead. It is the lie of Satan himself that says you are not loved or important. The lie that says you are all alone or your life was a mistake. He desires nothing more than to leave us in our depravity, without hope. Suicide is such a horrible thing that leaves the world robbed of all you have to offer it.

Your life is so important and has so much purpose. God has placed you here to do something amazing and great for Him. I think of Jeremiah 1: 5 where God told Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” You see God is telling Jeremiah that before he was even born, He knew him. Before Jeremiah lived one day on this earth God had a plan for him. There was a purpose for Jeremiah’s life, just as there is a purpose for your life. “I know, I know,” the inner voice is saying, “but this is to Jeremiah, not to me; God had a plan for Jeremiah’s life, but not mine.” LIES!!!!! You are here for a specific purpose… what that is, I am not sure, but guess what, God does! This verse is not just for Jeremiah but for you and me today!

Ephesians 2:10 say’s, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Workmanship is translated “masterpiece.” You are God’s masterpiece, His best creation. God thought through to make you as this masterpiece because there are things He wants you to do. He created you to do something amazing, that no one else can do. You were made specifically with a purpose in mind. YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE!!

So with that, what do we do? We trust God. We get in the Bible to fight off the lies with the truth. We grab ahold of God’s promises and walk in them. I would have missed out on the blessing of God using me to lead others to Christ. The people God has allowed me to impact for His kingdom has blown me away. I would not have realized His purpose for my life, if I had selfishly taken the “easy” way out. Today, I would not change any part of my life. Seeing all that the Lord had in store has brought complete peace to all the storms I faced and continue to face. God has given me so many opportunities and has faithfully brought purpose through the pain. If you are in a dark place and need help, know there is help! Any of the following organizations are available to you to offer you help and an ear to listen. You are loved by me and more importantly, you are loved by God! Only He can turn our ashes to beauty.
Isaiah 61:3 “To give them beauty for ashes,The oil of joy for mourning,The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;That they may be called trees of righteousness,The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

www.remedylive.com
www.crisistextline.org


I’m Calling, can you hear me?

Often there are roller coaster moments for anyone who has made the commitment to serve the Lord with their life. There are times of great fruit, seeing God do amazing things in the lives of those you minister to daily. People can tend to have a false perspective that you are always good, almost forgetting that you too are dealing with life’s issues as well! There are seasons that seem dry, almost as if you are in the desert. Those seasons are difficult for any of us! You find yourself taking each step with eyes focused on the horizon, just waiting for the cooling rain to come and refresh you again.

Coming to Kauai was a huge step of faith in my walk with the Lord. I knew that God had put Kauai on my heart and had confirmed it in several ways. It is important to have assurance of the calling God places on your life. With assurance you will walk even when it is difficult (being a girl in ministry can be difficult, couple that with telling people God was calling me to Hawaii was definitely a major difficulty). One of the largest confirmations was when I found out how great the need was on the North Shore. There were a ton of kids yet no youth groups.

Upon arriving to Kauai I knew I was to reach out to the youth but I really didn’t know what that would look like. When my car came in on the barge, I picked it up and was like, “Ok Lord, what shall I do?” On my way home that day, I saw four kids hitchhiking on the side of the road with their boogie boards. Clearly, they needed a ride to the beach! I felt the Lord prompt my heart to pick them up, so I pulled over and they all got in. I took them to the beach and felt like I was to stay until they were finished and then take them home. It was a bit awkward for me; I was hoping I wasn’t scaring any of them (I really was hoping they didn’t think I was a weirdo)! When they were done I offered them a ride home, they were so stoked!

After dropping them off, I gave them my number and shared that I was there to hang out with youth and that if they needed anything, to just call and I would be available for them. The next morning, these smart boys called me again for another ride to the beach. The phone calls turned into a daily thing and we quickly became friends. They were trekking me all over the Island, showing me all the best spots. Within two weeks of meeting them, God opened the door for me to share Christ with them. They would ask me a hundred questions about the Bible and the Lord. These boys all within a month came to know the Lord and started inviting their friends to hang out. By the end of that summer I was squeezing 13 kids into my little Hyundai hatchback (Hawaii is much more lenient on those issues than the mainland). This birthed the start of the youth group.

Within a couple month of being on Kauai, I started working along side a church who had recently hired a new youth pastor. We were a great team for the Lord and saw God do amazing things. There were some issues that came up about me being a girl leading youth. I really didn’t give them much thought. For me, it was all about being obedient to the calling the Lord had placed on my life. People will always talk and or have their opinions. The only thing that matters is being obedience to the call placed on your life.

Is there a problem with a girl leaders? I won’t say that I too didn’t question it. There was only an issue for me when people tried to put a “title” attached to my name. In my eye, yes I was a girl, just being obedient!There was a need, God saw it and put me there to do something about it. I knew I was exactly where God wanted me! Girls, God can and will use you! It is unfortunate how few guys there are stepping up to the plate to serve. I’m not saying there are not guys,not that God only uses girls when there are no guys…that is not true!! I’m just saying there seems to be less and less guys willing to step up. Why is that?

I really didn’t know what a heated topic this was until we were filming Soul Surfer. Every media interview I did seemed to want to place a title to my name; they wanted to know what I called myself… Really title? I am a servant, I am a Jesus loving, youth leading, Bible teaching, praying without ceasing, seed planter, who is a girl. Yes, I have had churches and people debate weather or not I as a girl should be leading youth. God called me so the issue needs to be taken to Him.

There have definitely been times that this topic has taken a toll on me. There have been times that I have been out right disrespected as a girl. I have been talked down too, ignored, looked at funny, left out and even talked about. I have been weary, discouraged, I have cried tears privately with the Lord. I have questioned giving up and walking away. The one thing that I could not escape from was knowing the calling God placed on my heart. 1 Peter 2:10 say’s, “Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble.”

I knew the Lord would fight the battle for me. That might sound easier said than it was living it out. The road was difficult at times and still is. There will always be people and their bias of weather a girl could/should be leading such a ministry. God calls us to go into the harvest…He will use the ones who are willing to go. Everyone else who wants to sit and debate that issue is only wasting precious time!!

The Bible says we are to walk by faith, even when the storm is at hand and the end is afar off. If we say we believe in God, then we must trust Him even when people question us or our ability. We are to trust and walk even when we feel forgotten or even worse, rejected! You see God is not good and faithful only in the smooth seasons. He is faithful all the time.

I have had to trust that the Lord was training up something even in all the talk about me being a girl. I have had to learn to trust the calling the Lord put in my heart years ago, to step out in obedience and serve the youth of Kauai. I had to shut off the lies from the enemy and the world that told me how worthless or a failure. I had to daily look to Christ in order to gain strength to serve Him FAITHFULLY!!!

I have recently been asked more and more about being a girl in ministry. I have felt the Lord challenge me to be a voice on the topic. Not to set clear lines of what girls can or can’t do but to encourage young girls to be obedient when they feel called. Be obedient to the call. Consider the many female leaders in the scripture starting with Miriam (Micah 6:4)—she led during the time of Moses. In the New Testament we find Anna (Luke 2:36) and Philip’s daughters (Acts 21:9) the young prophetesses on the Day of Pentecost (Acts 2:17) and all the women who prayed and prophesied in Corinth (see 1 Corinthians 11). This is far from being an exhaustive list. God used them because they were willing and obedient.

God is who places the call on our lives. Men and women alike make the choice to respond to that call. We need to make our prayer that God would remove the obstacles in our lives that keep us from absolute obedience to Him. I am a girl, I love Jesus and I love that He chooses to use me to be His hands and feet in this world. If you never step out of the boat, you will never walk on water!

1 Cor. 15:58